The Library at the Edge of the World – bairns’ version
Lynn Sinclair had received a mysterious phone call from her three school friends, Nicola, Fiona and Catherine.
“Meet us at the derelict RAF base tonight at 9pm,” Nicola had urged. “Come alone and don’t be late.” With that she had hung up.
At 9pm on the dot, Lynn tried the front door of the base and was surprised to find it open. Gingerly, she stepped inside …
There standing in front of here was a man she did not know and there was no one else there. Who was he and why was no one else here? She turned to go but he ran in front of her and closed the door. What was happening? She was scared…
“Didn’t expect to see me here, did you?!” leered the tall man. She stared at him cautiously. Did she know him? He waited patiently for her to recognise him. He was greyer than she remembered, but it could only be one person. “Douglas?”…
The man’s eyes were full of anger. “Why? Why did you do it?” asked Dougie.
“Do what?” replied Lynn
“You know what you did … you killed a hamster
”Lynn replied “but I didn’t kill a hamster” “I saw you” said Dougie.
“Fine you win. I did kill a hamster, but by accident!” said Lynn
“You killed Fluffy and now, friend of mine, you’re going to pay!” “Douglas!” said Lynn retreating back to the wall. “Douglas, it wasn’t like that.” “Parker Johnson, my friend … wants to see you! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
And with that, Andrew – a handsome man- enters with his hands on his hips like superman. “Stop Dougie!” Wearing only a pair of y-fronts he declared, “I am YT man!” He used his immobilising eye rays to freeze Dougie on the spot. YT man then said, “Dougie, isn’t there something you want to tell us?”…
“No” said Dougie, “why did you ask?”
“Because you’re lying,” said YT man.
“No, I mean Yes!” said Dougie
“OK, I’ve killed a hamster in the past too” Dougie said.
“Was it an accident?” said Lynn
“Yes, and my mum and dad are stopping me from going to other people’s houses to play now” he sobbed.
“Accidents occur, so there is no (unknown word) on to be ashamed of yourself” said Lynn. Lynn was always a bit of a smarty-pants. “OK, I guess so,” said Dougie.
Lynn’s answer to everything was large mugs of hot chocolate with marshmallows for everyone. But as she poured in the boiling milk, a horrible scream pierced the silence, it was …
Fluffy the hamster!
“Fluffy!” said Lynn, “you silly hamster, you’ve been hiding!”
Fluffy was all dusty and had blue ink on one ear. Lynn picked Fluffy up and put him in his cage where he belonged. When suddenly another hamster appeared.
It was a huge hamster but had small red eyes and an elephant nose. Lynn was so shocked she fell to the ground. And Lynn’s husband came in and saw Lynn and woke her up. And then the hamster tried to …
…strangle her with its gigantic elephant nose. Seeing all of this, Fluffy jumped on top of the demon hamster and bit it’s ear! The demon hamster started crying in agony while…
… the monkeys were roaring with laughter at the elephant.
Another elephant came out of nowhere and started to attack the monkeys. then a giraffe came along and was attacked by an elephant. The giraffe bit one monkey and the hamster started biting the giraffe. The elephant and the giraffe were in a gory fight with the monkey and the monkeys killed them. Then the monkey seen a person in the distance and she started getting closer and closer and it was Catherine Mullay. Catherine bit a head off one of the monkeys and tore the heart out of the others but along came a crocodile and killed the hamster.
The crocodile bit Catherine but a frog came to rescue her and he ripped out the crocodile’s organs and he was Catherine’s Knight in shining armour, then…
Catherine kissed the frog and it turned into a Prince from Portugal. The Prince grabbed Catherine and they kissed passionately behind a tree. Another monkey just barely living heard the sound of them kissing. It was like this, ‘slop, squelch’, then the monkey barfed itself to death, then …
a silhouette was seen on the horizon and as it got closer it features were getting clearer. Closer it came still. It scared all the animals silly who ran to hide behind and up the trees. The figure was actually the crocodile hunter, Steve Irwin. “Crikey mate,” he said in surprise to his dog Soowee. “Where have all the animals gone Soowee? I’m absolutely positively sure they were here a minute ago mate!”
?????????????????????????? into the open.
Steve Irwin shouted, “Crikey! You young whipper-snappers!”
Y.T. man floors Steve Irwin and smashed his head to a bloody pulp.
Lynn faints (yet again) while Dougie looks for the missing beast and accidentally comes across Catherine and the Prince of Portugal kissing passionately in the shrubbery.
Dougie slaps them both and tells them to get a grip!!! the Prince of Portugal says…
“ get a grip yourself my good man, the lady was feeling faint and I was merely giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation”
“what a good idea” shouted their mum.
“e,e,e,e,e,e,e” “Hoot” went the owl.
“That was a bit random,” squawked Dougie, slowly spinning round in circles.
“Wheeeeeee!” he said, before falling over. “Baaa” went the sheep”
“and “moo” went the cow.
Lynn drew her sword and warned the boys off. “Hey! No hard feelings Linnhe!”
“Whatever. Just stay close and keep quiet”
“Yes, Ma’am. Whatever you say, Ma’am said Dougie sheepishly.
“Shut up Doug. get behind and keep your eyes on me”
“With pleasure” Dougie smirked, stepping behind Lynn, and without further ado, they were off.